I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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