I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
