What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
