i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
