you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
