A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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