Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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