i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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