i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
