you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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