i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
