I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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