we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
