she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
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Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
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Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty