I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
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I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
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If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa