God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
