i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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