just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
