Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
