I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
