I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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