Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Randomize
