You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
