2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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