Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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