sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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