I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
