Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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