Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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