You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize