Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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