went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
