The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
