The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
