There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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