can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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