Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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