question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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