yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
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Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
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I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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