He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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