The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
