So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
