I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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