I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
