rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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