I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
