Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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