She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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