Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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