I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
