I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
