I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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