i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
