You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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