either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
