I forgot how hot balto sounded
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
