A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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